Her eyes see mine
As through foggy skies
Firebrand still but through
Smoke and grime
And I
Know she knows me
But the room’s not hers
Like other times
Not lost, but slowly losing
I wonder if in my
Grandmother I
See the end of my
Mother
My brother
See mine.
Will I know when I lose my mind?
Will I one day watch through foggy skies
As the world goes by
And I die?
I burned my fingers tonight.
It was stupid, really. I tried to steam a tamale in too little water. I used a ceramic plate as a lid because the pots with actual lids are wastefully large for this application. Some time late I smelled smoke, and took everything apart carefully, cooled the pot with water, and retrieved the mercifully edible tamale. The smoke smell ranged.
Back at the stove, I tried, foolishly, to pick up the plate. A quick spinal reaction, three jumps, more curses, and a run to the sink… ouch. Only first degree, but right on the fingertips.
It’s my left hand. Non-dominant. It’s hard to explain how crippling this is, though. Typing at speed requires two hands. Even at full speed, the words back up, but one handed is terrible. I can manage something like 20 words per minute with just my right hand. It’s not nearly enough.
Writing is not good. I have motor dysgraphia. My hands cramp and I slow to a fucking crawl. I can’t move. When I try my hand at handwriting, I
am
trapped
in
my
head
and
I
can’t
get
out.
I need my words. This is how I breathe. Without a keyboard I suffocate. Burnt fingers are a collapsed lung and I am using ice as a respirator.
Summer strolls through my windows
Redoles with Maillard
Cracks and pops
Slow roast over compressed char wafting
Heat means
Cooking raw meat while we wear
Skin in the lazy sun gone orange
This is a good time
For legs of all sorts
Flesh slowly browning all around
My every sense devours
I watched my friend
As he danced romance’s dance with
Someone new
This weekend
And I feel for him
Pride and joy
But I also envy him a freedom I don’t feel
If you can create, you have an obligation to do so
No, I don’t care if “everything ends”, I don’t even care
You are still required to go out screaming
Defiant
Beating your fists into bloody stumps against the Second Law
I wounded myself
You know, you were there
Of course, we were both
Distracted
And didn’t find out until later
We laughed
I was dressing it some time after
When I noticed that
The wound had the smell of you
Something
About it
Platelets, proteins
Carried
Or mimicked
Your scent
I want to tell you
But first
I want to know
You’ll take it for the compliment it is
Roses are high in anthocyanins
Violets have platyconin
If you go out and start buyin’ ‘em
You will soon find yourself bonin’
Skipping rocks on Monday
After grandpa’s funeral
Across Sand Creek
I asked myself
When did I become a city boy?
I loved you
Like
Fire
Like
I wanted to crawl inside and just live there
And
I love you
But
It’s
Less
It’s
Not
Physical
It’s affectionate
It’s deep but it’s not desperate and I know
I know
That that means that
We have to end
But
I disagree
Strenuously
When you say that we have
“Failed”
I don’t think that we have
Failed
I loved you
So hard
And
I don’t think that’s a
Failure
You
Sheltered
Me
You saved me
You kept me and held me through some very dark times
And
I’m pretty sure I did the same for you
Because you told me so, many times
And I have
Gained
So much I have
Learned
So much from you and I will always be
Grateful
That I had
Your time
Your touch
Your love
We had
Four
Wonderful years
Two
Good ones
And we ended it without
Hatred
Without
Destruction
With
Tears but not with despair
And compared to everyone else
I think
That’s
Wonderful
And so
If you need me to
I will be
Sorry
That I loved you
Sorry
That I stopped I will
Apologize to you
For this pain
Because if I felt different then you wouldn’t feel it
But
I do not agree
I cannot agree
With you
When you say that we
Have
“Failed”
We did not
Fail
We
Ended
And that is different
Oh, hey, she just looked at me
Made eye contact, smiled, I think that means something. I wonder if I should
Whoa, hey, she winked, ack! Okay
Okay, I’m definitely supposed to do something now
Um
Okay
So….
Do I just go say hello?
I’m supposed to have a line, right? I can’t just say hi, hey, you winked at me, what does that mean?
Ugh. So, charming, Nick. Think charming, what’s charming?
I could go with something self-consciously over the top, like the spacepants line or something.
Or maybe just lean over, look her in the eye, and say “Insert witty line here, baby?”
Bleah, no, it’s too loud in here, nothing subtle would even go over
Oh, crap, don’t stare. Look somewhere else while you think about it.
Bartender. Hey, can I get another Gibson? I may need it.
Oh, hm. Maybe I should send her over a drink.
Oh, great, her friends are back. Now if I send a drink they’ll all look at me.
So. Back to the drawing board.
Oh, thank god, the band is playing. Something else to look at.
Let’s go dance for a while, maybe she’ll come out on the dance floor.
Um.
Whoa, lost some time there. I always do that when I’m dancing.
Er. And had my eyes closed most of the way. I don’t
Oh, there she is. Leaning against the pylon. Ack, eye contact again! Too soon!
Well, shit, now I’m sunk. I didn’t have a chance to figure out what to say, and now it’s obvious that I noticed..
Oh
Oh shit
She’s coming over here!
Shit!
